BERTIE THE BOLT

Taoiseach-elect, Brian Cowen, faces his first major crisis just days after being installed as the leader of Fianna Fail.

Ironically, the pressing issue involves none other than the man he is set to take the reins from as leader of the country on May 6th next, Bertie Ahern.

This time the problem has nothing to do with Bertie’s finances, houses, lovers and all the baggage that was unloaded at the Mahon Tribunal.

Bertie Ahern is the only man struck by lightening twice in the history of the planet, which goes back billions of years. Not alone that, but he survived both attempts!

On Thursday last, Bertie and his entourage were making their way to Belfast for the 10th anniversary of the Good Friday Agreement. They flew from Dublin to Belfast by the Government jet and were beginning their descent into Belfast when the plane was struck by what Government aides later said was a bolt of lightening. The bolt singled out poor Bertie and the man went into contortions in the seat.

There were four pilots and various aides on board totaling in number fourteen. Nobody was harmed except Bertie, who later bravely shrugged off the incident in his typical understated manner. “Ah shure, these things happen. I got the same dart some years ago on the way to see Bill Clinton in the White House. You get used to it, I suppose”



Back in Dublin however, questions were being asked. The Special Branch was called in to investigate conspiracy theories that were circulating on the internet. Rumours were spreading to the effect that this was no accident at all. Nobody ever is hit by lightening twice. There was some mysterious aura to the whole incident.

Why did Bertie and party need to take the Gulfstream V Government jet with a range of 13,000 kilometres to travel 150 kilometres from Dublin to Belfast? Why did they not go by road up that brand new M1 motorway? Has the toll bridge at Drogheda got so expensive that it is cheaper to take the jet instead?

What about the carbon footprint left after such a method of travel? Was this Bertie’s way of giving the two fingers to the Green Party who were holding their annual conference in Dundalk?

There was much scratching of heads at Garda headquarters. The CIA was asked for assistance as the unanswered questions mounted. They immediately re-assigned a crack unit, based at Shannon Airport, from their normal duties of kicking the shit out of prisoners on their way to Guantanemo Bay, to add their extensive knowledge and forensic skills in the search for the truth.



The CIA blamed Bin Laden for praying loudly to Allah and convincing him to unleash a bolt of lightening targeted to hit Bertie. Brian Cowen rejected this crazy notion outright and offered the scenario that Celia Larkin released a surface-to air missile from Killaloe to extract revenge for Bertie not marrying her when she asked him.

The Special Branch, clearly annoyed at having the CIA operating on their patch, suggested that this was much ado about nothing. They opined that Bertie was always a sitting target to be struck by lightening twice – didn’t he lead a misfortunate life, as sort of a political Jonah dogged by ill-fated events all during his political career.

People giving him money when he did not need it. Other people giving him houses just for the fun of it. Bankers refusing to open accounts for him, even when he was Minister for Finance. Disaster followed him everywhere. His daughter even married a guy from Westlife – the shame of it all! Sure, he was a sitting duck for a bolt of lightening.

As we write, the crisis continues. Watch this space. Space? Who said space?