SARKOZI – THE THREE-MINUTE MAN

French Prime Minister, Nicolas Sarkozi came to Dublin recently to talk down to the Irish people about their abominable behaviour in rejecting the Lisbon Treaty last month.

Sarkozi is the current boss of the EU by virtue of the fact that France holds the rotating Presidency for the next six months and before his visit was loud in his condemnation of our failure to bend the knee to Brussels.

Thus, he arrived in Dublin for a one-day trip and holed up in the safety of the French Embassy rather Government Buildings, as is normal protocol. In true Napoleonic arrogance, he granted various lobby groups three minutes, (three minutes!) to make their point before being despatched with dismissive Gallic flourish.

We are a bit concerned at this three minute business and wonder is it anything to do with his personal life and his high profile marriage to Italian model Carla Bruni. One of our intrepid spies managed to infiltrate the “speed dating” meetings and reported as follows:

Well Sarkozi came to Ireland this week

and told us all that we must be meek

and adopt the Brussels glorious master plan

or else our little country would be an also-ran.

He stood therein in all his pomp and grace

and told us we were a fucking disgrace.

How dare we turn around and just say No

when he Bonaparte Sarkozi was running the show.

I will give you all three minutes each

To explain this unforgivable breach

and I want a change of heart then

said he rising to all of his four foot ten.

Tell me now that you’ll say Yes

and put an end to my embarrassing distress.

I have no time, I must be home before night

Or else Carla will kick up an awful shite.

That’s why I can only give you three minutes to decide

Because Carla loves, how you say in Ireland,”le ride”

She is very demanding, so hard to satisfy

So many orgasms, but I try, how I try!

She is very tall, six foot two, mon amour

Thirty lovers she said, but I can’t be sure

Standing by her side, her tits are level with my head

One swing from her and I am fucking dead!

So you see the reason I ask for a Yes decree

Will you awkward Irish hoors please agree?

So that to the Elsyee Palace I can swiftly retire

where my Carla lies panting with desire.

Nobody told me politics would be like this

And that you Irish would take the piss

By voting No to the Lisbon Accord

And spot my clever little French fraud.

I must be off, away now from this place.

Sacre bleu, you Irish are an ungrateful race!

We gave you subsidies and the finest of wines

now you thank us by ruining our grand designs.

Bring me now to my private jet

Home to Carla, my very big pet

But first a consolation, a treat I cannot miss

“Le Biffo Big Lips” will give me a kiss!

TWO LOSERS PART COMPANY

I see that Eircom are to discontinue their sponsorship deal with the League of Ireland/ (LOI) and the Football Association of Ireland (FAI). They have a relationship, which spans nearly a decade, and now finally the penny has dropped with Eircom that the money was being washed down the plughole.

If ever two organizations (an unwise term given that neither could score in a brothel) deserved each other, then these two did.

Eircom is one of the most inefficient of the ex-semi-state companies that could be found. If you had the equivalent of an efficiency Geiger-counter and scanned all the companies in Ireland the beeping would be at a peak when tested against Eircom.

For years, it was known as Telecom Eircom, a public-body monolith that was as lazy and slow moving as a rhinoceros mating in the mud.

Then the government of the day decided to privatize it and sell the shares to an unsuspecting Irish public. Mary O’Rourke, then Minister of Telecommunications and Various Other Things, urged the public to buy shares in this great new venture where everybody would become rich. She even convinced the banks to lend money to those who had none to buy the shares, using the shares as collateral. Which of course the greedy banks gladly did, smelling the scent of a killing.

In hindsight, O’Rourke was ahead of her time – in effect, she introduced what is now known as sub-prime lending.

Of course, everybody took a bath with the shares and the Geiger-counter beep merely increased in intensity as Eircom lurched forward in private ownership, dragged down by the millstone of the unions.

In its distracted state, the LOI managed to convince it to sponsor their league championship. Millions poured in with little return. If Eircom was useless at making money, the LOI/FAI was even better at losing it.

In the last decade, the combined entities have become farcical. There had been more internal strife and wars in soccer administration in Ireland than there has been in the entire continent of Africa for the last century. They had to start buying red carpets in Merrion Square so that the blood wouldn’t show after every meeting. Des Kelly had made a fortune supplying replacement green carpets until that fateful decision!

It should be called the SOI – the Scandal Association of Ireland.

Directors embezzling funds, tickets being sold by officials on the black market, senior clubs not paying taxes due on inflated player wages, all the FAI reserves being depleted by planning and consultancy fees for the aborted Eircom Stadium. Add the ego trips of Chief Executive, John Delany, the latest being the boast that the FAI could write the cheque for €74 million in the morning for their contribution to the new Lansdowne Road Stadium they will share with the IRFU. He couldn’t write a cheque for the €74 he spends on his lunch everyday!

It will be interesting in these troubled times to see who will have the balls or the foolishness to sponsor a game that is about exciting as watching the polar ice cap melting. A funeral undertaker might be a suitable possibility.

Truth is that the country would be better served if both the FAI and Eircom became extinct tomorrow, and headed for the dinosaur’s graveyard.

WHO SAID CAVAN PEOPLE WERE MEAN?

I am not from Cavan so I have no hidden agenda when I make the point that I find Cavan people generous, friendly and helpful.
The popular myth throughout Ireland and the greater outside world is that Cavan people are mean, bloodsucking, hard-necked leeches who would eat you for a cent if they could.
I can claim thirty years experience dealing with the people of Cavan in business and social settings and, whilst like any good businessperson they drive a hard bargain, I can honourably and safely say that I have never had a bad experience with them.
I often wonder where the myth started as to the meanness and cute hoorism of the Cavan brethren. Of course, Niall Tobin, actor and comedian from Cork, has made a successful career from taking the piss out of Cavan people and perhaps this has influenced the notion. No better people either than those same Cavan folk to take the jokes in the spirit they were given.
Way back in the seventies, when things were bad and your only recourse to comfort was a couple of pints in a Dublin pub, chances were you would served by a Cavan man. Every pub in Dublin it seemed at that time was either owned or managed by a Cavan man. Conventional wisdom had it you would never see an old Cavan barman for the simple reason that by that stage they would own the bar!
I find the Cavan people warm-hearted, generous and great company in any setting.
On top of that, they can drink for Ireland and need only the flimsiest excuse to have a party. Contrary to popular myth, they will stand their round of drinks when their turn comes around.
Thrifty, perhaps, would be a better term to describe the Cavan people. They do not waste money on unnecessary purchases. In the current economic down turn, such attributes are bound to stand the in good stead.
As a friendly, warm-hearted people who would bend over backwards to help you, Cavan people come top of the list, in my opinion.
So I don’t want hear any more of those silly jokes about Cavan.
Make some jokes about the Dubs or the Meath people for a change. There is plenty of scope there!
Oh! By the way, did you hear the one about the Cavan man who found a crutch and proceeded to cut off his leg in order to put it to some use? See what I mean by being thrifty!

A SPORTING TRIUMPH LIFTS THE SPIRIT

The Sunday newspapers in recent times are full of doom and gloom as to the future of the economy and the various potential disasters awaiting us all in a variety of forms due to the worldwide financial crisis. It has gotten to the stage with me that I am reluctant to read them at all. They would spoil your entire weekend. It is bad enough trying to please the bank manager during the working week without it impinging on your Sunday afternoon.
Today however, the Sunday papers did not receive any attention at all.
To hell with the doomsayers, when your life is enhanced by a wonderful sporting achievement.
A beaming Padraig Harrington, with a wonderful display of nerveless golf, not only won the Open Golf Championship at Royal Birkdale, but also took the Old Claret Jug by the scruff of the neck and marched to sporting immortality by winning back-to-back British Opens.
Until last year, our only Major winner in golf had been Fred Daly over 50 years ago.
At Carnoustie in2007, Harrington beat Sergio Garcia in a play-off after the Spaniard missed a five-foot putt on the 18th to win it.
It was known as the one that Garcia lost rather than the one that Harrington won despite the fact that the Irishman produced a miraculous up and down at the 18th after being in the water twice. He dominated the four hole play-off to win by two shots and bring joy to Ireland. Now, he is only the fifth player of all time to win back to back Opens.
Today, no begrudger could deny Padraig the acclaim he was due as he won by four shots, with some stunning back-nine golf in very difficult windy conditions.
Harrington is an ambassador for both the game of golf and for Ireland. A true gentleman with a permanent smile on his face whether dealing with triumph or disaster on the course, unlike the boorish Colin Montgomery or the sulking Sergio Garcia.
A more modest and humble superstar you would not see in the world of sport. His feet are firmly on the ground and his acceptance speech today would make any Irish heart swell with pride.
The bad news can wait until later in the week. The doom merchants can take a few days off and the country can feel rightly proud. Triumphs like this do matter.
Today, Padraig, you lifted the spirits of all Irish people. With your attitude, we can do anything!
Well done and thank you!

WILL AN OBAMA VICTORY BE GOOD FOR IRELAND?

It seems now that the Democratic American presidential candidate, Barack Obama, has Irish roots. We are wonderful nation altogether when reaching for the genealogy books as soon a figure rises to prominence in American politics. It is as though we as a nation have a point to prove about the Irish making America great. The most tenuous connection is enough for the gravestone-searching merchants to embark on a venture of research into the roots of an individual.
In this case, they have determined that Barack’s great, great, great grandfather was born in Ireland, with speculation centred on the Clara area of County Offaly. (We wonder is that Brian Cowen trying to establish links with the likely future president of the United States in order to get some help to extract the nation from the economic meltdown it is in.)
We do know that his mother is Kenyan (Barack that is, not Brian) and it is well known in the midlands that Offaly men in the distant past had a great yen for the black women. Where they ever found black women in the bogs of Offaly is a question for another day, but is alleged that the observation that “once you go black, you never go back” was coined by a well-endowed Offaly resident who was fond of the Big Mamas.
All of this conjecture adds weight to the theory that Barack Obama may indeed have roots in the centre of Ireland, but will this count for anything if, as likely, he becomes President of the United States in November of this year.

There is no doubt that Obama has charisma in spades. (Shit! Is that a racist remark?
Sorry!). His campaign to win the Democratic nomination was an exhilarating display of powerful, moving speeches that enthralled the voters and indeed, greater America. We were witnessing the first black candidate making a serious attempt to gain entry to the Oval Office. For some, it was like the re-incarnation of Martin Luther King: the only other black man that would have the qualities a Presidential race. His untimely assassination by the dark forces of racism ensured it would never happen. In any case, it is doubtful that it would have ever occurred anyway – those were difficult and different times when the race issue was at its most brutal stage and even the Democrats would have baulked at the prospect.
Today it is more to with policies than colour, or so we like to think. Deep down race is still an issue in America. It demands circumspect discussion among the chattering classes in order to remain politically correct, but behind closed doors in the corridors of power, you can be sure that the prospect of a black President is upsetting many conservatives in both Democrat and Republican parties.
It does not help either that the Republican candidate is somewhat of a maverick in his own party. John McCain is a war hero and self made man – qualities that Americans love in their leaders. Were it not for Obama, he would be a shoe-in for the Presidency. However, his age and his more liberal assertions on various subjects have the Republican Party right- wingers losing sleep at night. McCain is loose cannon in their opinion, and were Obama not black, they would possibly do the unthinkable and vote for a Democrat just to keep McCain out.
As it is, they have little choice but to vote for him.
And, this is where Ireland comes into the picture. The Democratic Party has made it abundantly clear that when in power they will introduce a raft of measures to increase the tax take from US multinational companies operating abroad. They are suggesting a 30% repatriation tax from all foreign domiciled companies. If this measure were implemented, it would have a disastrous effect on the economy of Ireland.
Most multinational are here because of the low tax rates. Not alone that, they also use a facility known as transfer pricing to inflate the profits of Irish companies and decrease those from other higher tax jurisdictions, including the US itself. They tolerate the high wage environment of Ireland for that reason alone. If that were to change, the Intels and IBMs of this world would up sticks overnight and the already sinking ship that is Ireland would crash to the bottom of the ocean.
Traditionally, the Irish favoured Democratic presidents. This goes back to the Kennedy influence and their roots in Ireland. The Clintons helped in negotiations to bring about peace in the North extending the affiliation of the Irish to the Democrats.
This time however it is different. The US economy is as bad as ours is. That topic and the war in Iraq are the priorities for any incoming president.
Ireland will come way down the list in the scheme of things. The black vote will elect Obama and he will not be as dependant on the American Irish for their support as previous Democratic candidates were.
His only link to Ireland will be those horny Offaly men of the past who had a penchant for the black babes!
Not much to go on, is it?
Do something Brian!

MOVING THE DECKCHAIRS ON TITANIC IRELAND

Last week we had much-heralded Government response to the economic crisis that is engulfing the country like one of those frightening summer gorse fires you see in Australia or America.
Solemn–faced ministers gathered around their leader, Brian Cowen, at a press conference to announce what were predicted to be dramatic solutions to dramatic problems. However, as the farce got under way it was clear to see that the Government was tackling the blazing fires with a garden hose.
Savings of €440 million were projected for the rest of the year. This is a mere drop in the ocean relative to what is needed to combat the doomsday scenario facing the country.
Minister of Finance, Brian Lenehan, appeared inept and unsure when probing questions were asked of the small detail of such savings in the over-hyped plan.
In fact, it was a cobbled together exercise by the Government designed to show that it was doing something in the meltdown facing us. It was non-specific, clouded with the veneer of aspiration rather than expectancy. When forensically examined by economists, the plan failed to meet national school arithmetic standards in that it contained fatal miscalculations.
What hope have we as a nation if this display incompetence is a yardstick to measure future Government action to tackle the real problems? Two days after presenting the ‘great solution’, they all went on their summer holidays until the end of September. What a great little country we are.

Once again, the elephant in the room was ignored even though he was having a piss in the corner. The Minister bleated bland and non-committed assertions regarding public service pay and costs. It was the sound of the lambs surrendering to the foxes.
Bertie Ahern’s legacy lingers with a whiff of the unpleasant stuff. The government are once again capitulating to the public service unions. We said her last week that with at least 300,000 staff, the public service is pulling the economy down to the depths of the ocean. Unless such drastic action is taken, there is no way that we will survive this crisis.
Pluck up some courage and tackle the public service millstone now, for Gods sake!

The government Quangos should be next on the list for dismantling. There are so many mini-organizations operating within Government that one would think the country had a population of 20 million. Quangos are NGOs that make reports on reports and advise the advisors on what to advise the advisors to the government.
It is nothing short of a maze of waste costing the state hundreds of millions each year. Inevitably, these organizations are peppered with people affiliated to the Fianna Fail party. Egos abound within these miniature think tanks and the level of hot air released by them would blow a hole in the ozone layer, if there were not one there already.
Get rid of them now! Send them back to the real world.

The tribunals of enquiry into So Many Things That One Forgets now have cost over a billion and have meandered on for over a decade.
They have investigated the great, the good and the bad. They will arrive at the same conclusion that the public arrived weeks after they started – that corruption exists in public and private life in Ireland.
We have known this for years before these stage shows kicked off. The lawyers have fleeced the Exchequer of vast sums of money representing in many cases the most peripheral of figures. No sooner was a witness summoned than he sought at the taxpayer’s expense an army of lawyers to represent him or her. The tribunals became a real life version of the Dublin Theatre Festival. When it is all over, nobody will suffer. Except, of course, the ordinary folk who foot the bill for the €2,000 per day lawyers.
Stop it all now and let common sense prevail!

RAINY DAYS AND NO SAVINGS

Who is laughing now? Not us, for sure. We take no pleasure therefore in saying we told you so. A long time ago. There is point gloating at the condemned man when you are next in line. It is a short-lived and empty pleasure.
For the last fifteen years, we have experienced a boom in Ireland. We all knew it had to end but nobody seems to have told the Government. For the last two years, all those who had a vested interest in a whole range of sectors that stood to lose out if we crashed peddled the mythical soft landing scenario.
A cursory look at the history of global economics would have yielded the information that cycles are boom and bust. An up and down graph that provides no mercy. This is the real world folks, not Disney. Stories of soft landings were suitable tales to get the children asleep at night.
We can spend all day apportioning blame. Best confine it to a couple of paragraphs and then look for a solution or some mitigating event that would help this little island.
The blame lies with Bertie Ahern’s Fianna Fail led Government. You can throw in greedy banks and various financial engineering thugs, but they are simply support acts.
Bertie blew the good times in so many ways. Bending his arse to the unions on a permanent basis was an important factor that cost billions.
Wanton and criminal waste of the river of taxpayer’s money flowing into the coffers from all sectors, especially property, are the real reason why we are in the mess that shows a €3 billion hole in Government budgets.
The Government is the keeper of the Irish family of four million people. In olden days the thrifty Irish mother, the Finance Minister of the family, put the spare shillings away when there was an excess in income. She would not say anything about it, but it would be there come the day that the need arose, as it always would.
Similarly, in modern times, a potato farmer achieving a bumper yield and price this year, will reserve a percentage aside because he knows that for every two good years of returns, he will have one bad one. He prudently predicts the cycle that inevitably will happen and plans for the shortfall.
Bertie Ahern would make a poor-quality housewife and farmer. He is the reason that we have nothing under the mattress for events outside our control. A blight has attacked world economic and finance crops. Not our fault, of course, but we suffer nonetheless.
What to do?
It will be cuts, cuts, cuts, of course. A gold-plated Chubb for the empty stable door.
We agree there has to be cuts. Any business trying to survive a recession will implement cuts in all areas. Workers will lose their jobs. Investment in plant and equipment will be put on hold. Expenses will be hacked in large and small factories and businesses.
The Government is the largest employer and business in Ireland. It employs 310,000 people on inflated salaries and expenses. This figure doubled in the last ten years. The economic boom in Ireland required the increase in public service jobs, the Government told us.
Well the boom is over. Get rid of them! 150,000 extra people on the dole are a huge cost to the Exchequer, will be the cry. Still, a lot cheaper than employing them to do nothing! (Unfortunately, for us, whilst the unions were buggering Bertie, they managed simultaneously to get him to sign a “job for life” clause so the above probably won’t work.)
The next thing to be done is go out and borrow to finish our infrastructure plans. Do not put these on hold. They offer the obvious benefits of what they were designed to do and they keep the construction industry from complete meltdown in the interim. Future generations will thank us in hindsight if we have the balls to do this.
Reform the stamp duty fiasco. Cowen and co are taking any money in from it now. The cash cow has gone dry so what is there to lose by cutting it drastically and maybe kick start the property market.
Then, force the banks to lend money to first time buyers. The arch-villains in the worldwide financial meltdown now shit in their drawers every time a couple come looking for a measly mortgage. Two years ago, a drug user from Nigeria would get 120% from the bank nearest the port he landed. So give them a Pampers adult nappy and let them lend and lend. The nappy can be in the form of a guarantee to the banks that protects a certain amount of their exposure. No different from Mum and Dad being guarantor for their kids first loan. Just go and do it Cowen! Think outside the box for once. These few measures along with hundreds of other creative ideas are needed now to keep the show on the road.
More thrifty ideas next week. Just have to call the mother and my old friend the spud farmer.